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Limericks

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924 or click the contact us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. There you can find out about attending our weekly live shows here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago and our upcoming show at Tanglewood in beautiful Lenox, Mass., on September 1. And be sure to check out the latest edition of How To Do Everything. This week Mike and Ian tell you where to find a rare first edition copy of "Harry Potter And The Sorcerer's Stone."

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Hi. You're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

JORDAN AUSLANDER: Hi. This is Jordan. And I'm calling from New York City.

SAGAL: So, Jordan, what do you do in New York?

AUSLANDER: I do genealogy.

SAGAL: You're a genealogist?

AUSLANDER: Yeah, afraid so.

SAGAL: No...

ADAM BURKE: On your mother's side or your father's side?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So...

AUSLANDER: I'm just waiting to find out that I'm adopted and my life's work has been for naught.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Have you ever done your own genealogy?

AUSLANDER: Oh, that's how most of us started and I had to go pro to support the addiction.

SAGAL: Yeah. And what did - did you find any interesting ancestors?

AUSLANDER: No.

(LAUGHTER)

AMY DICKINSON: Oh, wow.

GABE LIEDMAN: (Laughter) Yes.

SAGAL: Welcome to the show, Jordan. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you'll be a winner. Are you ready to play?

AUSLANDER: I am ready.

SAGAL: Here is your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: Don't have any cookies to show, just intestinal ramblings below. The FDA sheet says I need to add heat. I shouldn't be eating raw...

AUSLANDER: I'm going to need a hint here.

SAGAL: All right.

DICKINSON: Think about pizza.

AUSLANDER: Oh, that's right. Raw cookie dough.

SAGAL: Yes, dough...

KURTIS: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: ...Is the answer, yes.

KURTIS: How about that. Thank you, Amy.

DICKINSON: Sorry.

SAGAL: On Wednesday, the FDA issued a warning do not eat raw cookie dough. They say there's a heightened risk of illness due to a recent E. coli outbreak. That's right America. Barack Hussein Obama is coming for your cookie dough.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: My friends, this tyranny will not stand. They will take my cold cookie dough from my cold dead hands after I die of food poisoning.

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: Or they'll just poke you in the belly and you'll giggle...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: (Laughter) And drop it, yeah. Do you guys eat cold cookie dough?

DICKINSON: Oh, I...

LIEDMAN: Yeah.

DICKINSON: How do you get through college?

SAGAL: Or raw cookie dough.

DICKINSON: Yes. I mean, well, you've never menstruated, so you don't get it but...

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

DICKINSON: Am I right? I mean...

LIEDMAN: (Laugher) Yeah.

SAGAL: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. That aspect of it - I - they never taught me in health class. How does...

DICKINSON: There is just no way to get through that special time of the month without raw cookie dough, you know, straight - preferably from those tubes.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Right.

DICKINSON: You just smash it on something. You just eat it (roaring) right out of the...

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: Have you never noticed they always sell it right next to the Midol. It's...

DICKINSON: They do.

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: I mean, so now there's going to be, like, a black market, you know, yeah.

LIEDMAN: Or a restaurant in Brooklyn where that's the only thing they sell.

SAGAL: Exactly.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: There was no sign that this was a tow spot. To fight this I thought I had no shot. But I won't have to pay because AI saves the day. I've hired the first lawyer...

AUSLANDER: Oh, I think I worked for that robot.

DICKINSON: (Laughter).

SAGAL: Yes, robot.

KURTIS: Robot.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: A London man says he's created the world's first robot lawyer. And while that sounds exciting and a little surprising, can a robot even be a jerk?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's a Twitter bot that through a series of questions can get you out of parking tickets. It's called Do Not Pay. And apparently, it has gotten people out of over 160,000 parking tickets in London. Not only did it do that, the computer lawyer also just got a Roomba acquitted of manslaughter.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right. Here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: I really hope Uber comes soon because my date will be over the moon. A chopper is fine if you don't have much time. But we're catching a hot-air...

AUSLANDER: Balloon?

SAGAL: Balloon, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Uber, of course, is great if you're looking for an inexpensive ride or an unexpected kidnapping.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But now it's gotten even better with Uber Balloon, the hot-air balloon service is now available only in China. It makes for a pleasant Uber ride. But since hot-air balloons cannot be steered you may not make it to the bar for a few months.

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: That is not possible. I mean, who would get into a balloon operated by your typical Uber driver?

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: I mean...

BURKE: Yeah.

DICKINSON: ...Can you imagine it?

BURKE: Also, I've seen Hanna-Barbera cartoons. Air balloons are exclusively owned by evil geniuses.

DICKINSON: That's right.

BURKE: It's only villains.

SAGAL: Well, there's the Wizard Of Oz, he had one.

LIEDMAN: He was a creep.

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: Yeah, hiding behind curtains.

SAGAL: It's true.

BURKE: Giving wishes to young girls.

LIEDMAN: Yeah, you know it.

(LAUGHTER)

LIEDMAN: He was a creep, we all know it.

SAGAL: Oh, my God. You've ruined my childhood.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Jordan do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Proving he's the most interesting person in a long lineage, he got them all right.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Jordan.

KURTIS: 3 and 0.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Well done.

AUSLANDER: Thank you.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "UP, UP AND AWAY")

THE 5TH DIMENSION: (Singing) Up, up and away in my beautiful, my beautiful balloon, balloon. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.