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Limericks

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank, but first it's a game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the contact us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. There you can find out about attending our weekly live shows back at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago, and our upcoming shows in Tanglewood in Lenox, Mass., on September 1, and Tampa, Fla., September 29.

Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

JANE WELLS: Hi, my name's Jane Wells from Provo, Utah.

SAGAL: Hey, Jane. I like Provo. What do you do there?

WELLS: I am a mom of five kids. And I...

SAGAL: Five kids.

WELLS: Yes.

SAGAL: How old are they?

WELLS: I have a daughter of 13 and then four boys ranging in age down to 3.

SAGAL: Wow, how do you have time to talk to us?

WELLS: (Laughter) I sequestered them to the backyard.

SAGAL: Really?

(LAUGHTER)

WELLS: Yes.

SAGAL: Did you lock the door? Are they were banging on the windows going, Mom. We set a fire. Can you help?

(LAUGHTER)

WELLS: If they knew I was on the phone, they would be.

SAGAL: All right (laughter).

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, we'll do this quick then. Welcome to the show, Jane. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you'll be a winner. Here is your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: My skin is resistant to weather. And you know that I'm well put together. So check out the tags on these jackets and bags. My clone is supplying the...

WELLS: Leather?

SAGAL: Leather, yes.

KURTIS: Leather.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: If you want an alternative to leather that feels more authentic than vinyl but is also somewhat more disturbing, try human leather. Pure Human is a line of human leather bags from designer Tina Gorjanc - definitely not serial killer Tina Gorjanc.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You should know it's not from dead people. It's grown in a lab using human DNA, so don't get grossed out. They're just growing humans in a lab to make skin purses.

(LAUGHTER)

PAULA POUNDSTONE: Why should that be upsetting?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bad news is, now you want to throw up. The good news is, you'll have a handbag to throw up in, and seriously...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...It says it doesn't mind.

TOM BODETT: That's pretty creepy.

POUNDSTONE: Whatever happened to just macrame?

BODETT: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: Well, you know, my experience with skin, and I think I speak for everyone, is it's really not that hardy.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah.

BODETT: I mean, it gets scraped up a lot, poke holes in it pretty easily.

SAGAL: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah, splinters.

BODETT: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: Got a splinter in my purse. I got to stop and take it out.

SAGAL: Yeah, that's terrible.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

ROXANNE ROBERTS: Blisters...

BODETT: Oh, skin cancer...

ROBERTS: Blisters...

POUNDSTONE: Oh, yeah. Right, exactly...

ROBERTS: Blisters.

BODETT: That's all you need. You got to take your purse in for a skin check, you know.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: The cow contest judge gives a shudder. Those teats sure produce some sweet butter. But they're silky smooth looks are provided by cooks. They have tampered with that bovine's...

WELLS: Udder.

SAGAL: Yes, udder.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: It's been a tough week for elite athletes. First, the Russian Olympic team is banned for doping. Now comes word that the prize cow in the dairy division of the Great Yorkshire Show has been stripped of her title for cheating. Organizers are not releasing details of this misconduct, only noting it amounts to, quote, "udder tampering," which, by the way, is also why Roger Ailes has been forced out of Fox News.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Very sad.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Here is your last limerick.

SAGAL: Her calf is due right about now. It's easy to tell. Here's how - a big cloven hoof taps emojis and poof. I'm receiving a text from my...

WELLS: Cow.

SAGAL: Yes, it is our third cow-related limerick...

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: ...And you are right. Moocall, the app that sends texts from your cow's reproductive organs, that is the new app. But before you immediately go to the App Store to download it, let me explain how it works. Moocall is not some barnyard hookup app. It's an alert system to let you know when your cow is about to give birth, for farmers, dairy farmers, who need to know this. It's a literal push notification.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: Well, this is - I live in Vermont where there's, famously, more cows than people they so claim. And - so now when the internet and the network bogs down, I'll know it's calving season...

SAGAL: Yeah, it's the cows. The cows are all sexting their owners, basically...

BODETT: There it is.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: This is sweeping the nation. I mean, just how long before we move in that direction with absolutely everything, you know? You know, and instead of the baby monitor - it's like, oh, the baby just texted me.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: You know, the baby's hungry, hold on.

SAGAL: Oh, God. Look at - its diaper needs changing. Look at that emoji.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Jane do in our quiz?

KURTIS: Jane got three moos in a row...

POUNDSTONE: Wow.

KURTIS: She's a winner...

SAGAL: Congratulations...

POUNDSTONE: Good job, Jane...

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: You cow-ed (ph) us. Very good, congratulations, Jane.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "YOU'RE HAVING MY BABY")

PAUL ANKA: (Singing) Havin' my baby.

(SOUNDBITE OF COW MOOING)

ANKA: (Singing) What a lovely way of sayin' how much you love... Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.