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KLCC's Tiffany Eckert produced this three part series on Suicide Loss Survivors. It aired in December, 2018.

Suicide Loss Survivor Part III: "I Want This Pain To Stop"

Carson Lydon

Suicide is the second-leading cause of death among Oregon youth. Only accidents kill more young people.

Last year, the Oregon Health Authority reported nearly 17% of eighth-graders and 18% of 11th-graders surveyed had seriously considered suicide over the previous year.  

In the final segment of our series “Suicide Loss Survivors -- KLCC’s Tiffany Eckert shares the experiences of a Eugene teenager who struggled with suicidal thoughts after a high school friend took his own life.

Listener Advisory: This story contains some content which may elicit deep emotions in those who have experienced suicide loss.

Just this week, (Monday, December 10, 2018) a 17-year old Jefferson boy took his own life on the baseball field of his school.

Three students from one high school in Salem have died from suicide in the past 8 months.

Five young people in Lane County took their own lives during the first quarter of 2018. The youngest was 11 years old.

Adolescent suicide is nothing less than a public health crisis. Suicide prevention specialists say we need to talk about this. Open, caring conversation, they say, provides a relief to those who are considering suicide.

“Hi I’m Carson Lydon. I’m a 16 year old sophomore at Churchill High School. I lost a friend, his name was Will Manstrom- Greening, to suicide on February 14, 2017.

I kind of just like grew up with him. Played baseball with him a lot  and basketball as well.

He was really fast and athletic. And really he was probably one of the smartest people . Energetic, Fun. He had probably the biggest smile in the world. He was a total package for a guy.

I was in my English class. My friend got a text from his mom saying a kid at Marist had killed them self. A couple moments later she said, It was Will.

The school monitor from the office, I got a call in saying “Carson Lydon can you please report to the front desk.”

And my mom was sitting there waiting for me.

We went and got in the car. We kind of like had this weird moment when we both started crying together.

I do know the story of how it happened.

He woke up early. He ran cross country at Marist and he was really good. And he woke up at his dad’s house and he went on a run.

And then he went back after his run and I think he went to his dad and said he wasn’t feeling too well and he was going to lay in bed some more. And so I believe he went and laid in bed and his dad went to work and that’s when it happened.

But, I just know like, it wasn’t a spur of the moment thing. I know his family received letters and he had a lot of info on what he wanted done—I guess--after-- he died.

Of course, like the day it happened I felt that maybe ‘what if I had starting texting him earlier?’ ‘What if I?’ Which really sucks.

I think like right now, if I was being honest with you,

I feel like I could have helped him out of what he did. But of course, I can’t predict I would have stopped it. Cause truly, not a lot of people are educated on this topic.

Credit Tiffany Eckert
Carson Lydon turned his grief and depression into positive energy toward suicide prevention.

And of course, you can tell them you love them as all that stuff. But coming from a personal note, hearing ‘I love you’ isn’t really as big as people think it is.

I struggled with some pretty bad depression. I went through a really bad summer in 2017 that really led me to feel like I wanted to die and I wanted to be gone.

And I began starting to write letters actually. I didn’t think it all the way through. I just started it.

I feel like after you lose someone to suicide you really take a big toll mentally. It might have been I was thinking about my friend. But I definitely wasn’t thinking like ‘because he did this I want to do this.’  It was more of, ‘he did this and I’m feeling pain from it and I want this pain to stop.’”

Reporter: Suicide ideation is thinking about or having an unusual pre-occupation with suicide. It can range from a detailed plan to a fleeting consideration. Prevention specialists say when you talk to young people, don’t be afraid to say the word ‘suicide.’ 16-year old Carson Lydon says unfortunately not everyone got that message.

Carson Lydon: “I’m gonna be honest, if I was asked ‘are you thinking about suicide?’ I would have said ‘yes’ and I wouldn’t have ever got to a point of writing letters. They would have known and I would have been like ‘Well, I don’t want to do this now.’

“Not many people know this but I still have some of the letters and I hide them and my parents have never seen them before and I probably will never show anyone. But I use those letters as  something to reflect on how I felt and whenever I’m feeling down or starting to feel like I used to feel—it’s just like motivation saying ‘Wow I can get past this—I don’t’ need to go down this road again.’”

Reporter: For Carson Lydon, surviving the loss of a schoolhood friend to suicide has meant facing his own feelings of despair and depression. Instead of suffering in solitude, Carson chose to reach out and that has made it easier to heal and help. For the second year in a row, he's led a team for the Out of the Darkness Walk raising $17,000 dollars for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. He recently won a national youth award for his advocacy.

Carson Lydon: “I really began with an Instagram post and I explained the Out of Darkness Walk. I made a letter to Will. And it was an open letter just talking about him.

And then I kind of shared a little bit of my story. After that I began to be become more comfortable with myself in talking about this kind of thing.

I mean I’ve had really big conversations with people and of course, like as a young person, if I’m being honest, I don’t want to talk to a 40 year old dude about my problems. I want to talk to someone my age I can relate to.

Of course, I’m doing this for Will but I’m doing this for myself as well.

I feel like he’s up in heaven and pretty damn happy this is actually getting talked about. I feel like if I did this a year before, he would still be here today.”

If you're thinking about suicide or are worried about a friend, the 24-hour Suicide Prevention Line is 1-800-273-TALK

Tiffany joined the KLCC News team in 2007. She studied journalism at the University of Missouri-Columbia and worked in a variety of media including television, technical writing, photography and daily print news before moving to the Pacific Northwest.
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