Across the United States, millions of grandparents are quietly stepping back into the role of parent for their grandkids. They’re changing diapers, packing lunches, navigating school drop-offs, and managing the emotional terrain of childhood—often without any recognition. In Eugene, a long-running support group offers these elder caregivers a rare chance to pause, exhale, and talk honestly about what it means to raise grandchildren in the twilight of their lives.
One of those caregivers is Don, a soft-spoken 79-year-old grandfather of two. His grandchildren, now 8 and 10, have lived with him and his wife in Springfield almost since birth.
“Neither of the kids’ parents were able to provide the kind of loving support that they need as kids in our world today,” Don said. “We stepped in and said we want to be in our grandkids’ lives. And if that means having them with us all the time, let them be with us.”
KLCC is only using Don’s first name to protect the privacy of his child and his grandchildren.
Reimagining retirement
Two years ago, Don and his wife formally adopted the children. The decision cemented what had already become reality: they were no longer simply grandparents. They were parents again.
“We are the primary caregivers. We are the parents,” Don said. “And we see that going on until they reach their adulthood. So, we’re here for the long haul.”
It’s a different life than they had envisioned.
“We thought we would see it as being grandparents,” he said. “Doing lots of things with grandkids and having fun, but then they’d go back with their parents.”
Instead, the children stayed—and grandma and grandpa stepped into roles they had not anticipated but were more than willing to assume.
Sharing stories and support
When Don needs space to talk, listen, or simply feel understood, he goes to the Center for Community Counseling in Eugene. The nonprofit has hosted a support group for grandparents raising grandchildren for nearly two decades. Twice a month, elder caregivers gather in a modest room to share stories, frustrations, and small victories.
“We wanted to be with other people who understood what we were doing,” Don said. “And some of the challenges that we were facing and hear other people’s stories and gather information and support.”
The group is facilitated by therapist Nasim May, who has seen countless grandparents arrive overwhelmed, exhausted, and determined. She says there are a multitude of reasons why grandparents step in to raise their grandchildren, including incarceration, addiction, mental illness and domestic violence.
“When there are mental health issues that interfere with the raising of a child or when there’s domestic violence,” May said. “Sometimes people who are losing custody are the victims of violence and also unable to protect their children in the way that they really want to.”
In the group, grandparents trade stories about chasing energetic toddlers, navigating social media with teenagers, or figuring out parental controls on devices. The conversations are equal parts practical and emotional.
‘It was not something I had prepared for’
One longtime member, an 83-year-old grandmother who asked to remain anonymous out of privacy concerns, has been attending the group for nearly 14 years. She arrived during a period she describes bluntly.
“There was a point in time when I think I would have ended up—as we used to say—in the ‘looney bin,’” she said. “Because as an older person raising children again, it was not something that I had prepared for. I needed support and I got it here.”
She remembers a moment when the group collectively realized they were grieving—not necessarily for their children’s struggles, but for their own lost expectations.
“We were in a mourning process that our retirement was not what we had anticipated,” she said. “And it’s not that we don’t want to do it. We love our grandkids, but it does take a certain mindset to plod on through.”
After her grandsons’ parents lost custody, she became their foster parent. Eventually, the county gave her a choice: move the boys into foster care or adopt them herself.
“I was already older and I asked the case worker if it was really appropriate for someone my age to adopt,” she recalled. “And she said, ‘yes, absolutely.’”
So she did. Today, one grandson is an independent adult; the other is a teenager. She credits the support group with helping her stay emotionally steady through the ups and downs.
The work of parenting, all over again
May, the therapist, says “grandparents raising grandchildren” means doing everything parents do—often without the energy, income, or social support younger parents rely on.
“Taking them to all the doctor’s appointments, therapy appointments, dentist appointments,” she said. “And if there is DHS involvement, they’re taking them to parent-supervised meetings. And arranging play dates and sleepovers and having toys all over the house. Everything that it takes to be a parent.”
The Center for Community Counseling is unusual in its model. It receives no federal funding; instead, regional grants and private donations keep the doors open. All services are provided by licensed mental health professionals who volunteer their time. That’s how the center can offer counseling sessions for as little as $5 per session.
The ‘grandparent economy’
Raising children is expensive—and grandparents are absorbing a staggering amount of that cost. There are an estimated 65 million grandparents in America today. A recent AARP report found that 15% of them provide daily or near-daily care. Dubbed the “grandparent economy,” the report highlights grandparents’ contributions of about $172 billion in direct financial support and $731 billion in unpaid childcare, every year.
Don and his wife, both retired, do worry about the cost of living.
“How to plan for the kids’ future and whatever they might want to do is a concern,” he said. “We worry whether the support systems in society will be there to help them get the education or training they want to become contributors to society.”
He also worries about the broader world his grandchildren are growing up in.
“Based on society’s current level of disarray and discourse—which is not always pleasant to see—we just don’t know what’s going to be there for the kids as they grow and mature,” he said.
Love is all you need
Still, Don says the joys of raising his grandchildren outweigh the challenges. He recalls a moment that arrived without warning.
“The other day one of the grandkids just came up out of the blue and said, ‘I love you, grandpa,’” he said. “That’s a wonderful feeling. To know that they do love, that they’re willing to express that to you. It helps make up for the hard times. It helps me realize that I am cared for and loved. And I think we all need that.”
The Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Support Group meets the first and third Mondays of every month at the Center for Community Counseling on Coburg Road in Eugene.
